Lifestream

• Telling comedy-type jokes at the Ice House in Pasadena. 10 tonight. Come high five me before, during, and after my set.

  — February 3rd via Twitter
• Just put on my tube socks. Watch out, PlayPlace! #getit

  — February 2nd via Twitter
• The Descendants was so unrealistic! Who would cheat on the scrumptious George Clooney?

  — February 1st via Twitter
• Oh hey awesome an email oh it's the one I sent myself 3 seconds ago.

  — January 29th via Twitter
• Doing an hour at @salemstate Tuesday night. 7pm in the Campus Center. Comedic mayhem followed by downtown burgers. Who's in? #jokes #beef

  — January 24th via Twitter
• This improv show is so bad I'm considering drinking one of the candles.

  — January 23rd via Twitter
• Denver comedy visionaries. @CaytonHolland @erikforserious @Jimhickox @TheOrvedahl #FF

  — January 21st via Twitter
• This calls for a Follow Thursday. RT @justinshanes: This is either a cat or a SUPER easy "Magic Eye."

  — January 19th via Twitter
• WHAT'S UP WITH SEATBELTS YOU GUYS AM I RIGHT LOLZERS

  — January 18th via Twitter
• In protest of SOPA, all of my tweets for the next 24 hours will be super unfunny.

  — January 18th via Twitter
• BoA mainframe is down. Maybe the bonus-receiving execs can just send me the $375 I need to buy this crappy used MacBook off Craigslist?

  — January 17th via Twitter
• .@LargoLosAngeles cleverly starts their shows far later than they say they will, cause hipsters are too cool to show up on time.

  — January 15th via Twitter
• "Do you have any donuts that taste like sporting goods? You do??" http://t.co/9NmbrDqN

  — January 15th via Twitter
• Increasing smartphone usage has lead to plenty of deadly car accidents, but come on, general fingernail cleanliness has skyrocketed.

  — January 10th via Twitter
• Honey ham if they were one arm pushups. RT @karlhess: cool i did 13 pushups so now i can eat 13 pieces of ham. i know how health works.

  — January 8th via Twitter
• Still waiting to meet a hot girl named Roz. #roztweets

  — January 7th via Twitter
• Just shared @thelaughfactory's killer stage with the lovely @melissavpees. She is funny and sweet as pie. Follow her for delightfulness.

  — January 6th via Twitter
• "It's 11:11! Make a wish!" "I wish it were 11:12!" .....BAM

  — January 3rd via Twitter
• "I don't wanna be a samurai! I'm five!" http://t.co/4HO7ufZu

  — January 2nd via Twitter
• Already lost 6 pounds!

  — January 1st via Twitter
• You know that "Happy New Year" text you get from a number you don't know? I have a second cell phone I use just for that.

  — January 1st via Twitter
• "That guy fouled out." "Which team? The bad team?" "Yeah, the bad team." #gayfriendatlakersgame

  — December 31st via Twitter
• Brought gay friend to Lakers. "How many quarters are in the game?"

  — December 31st via Twitter
• RT @dubouchet: The beefslamming community must be pretty angry-as-usual over the retirement of Glorv Krapsnarl. WHO WILL SLAM THE BEEF???

  — December 31st via Twitter
• Just saw Gene Simmons at the mall. All the ladies around him got really wet. Because he's a massive douche.

  — December 31st via Twitter
• Starting an all guitar solo band called Meedle-y Meedle-y and The Mewwws

  — December 29th via Twitter
• When my facial hair makes me look older, not younger, I'll start acting like an adult. Until then, game on.

  — December 29th via Twitter
• Movies need more scenes where people are pointing guns at each other and one or two of them are like "whoa man drop the gun"

  — December 29th via Twitter
• I'd rather die in real life than before Ja Rule in a movie.

  — December 29th via Twitter
• Having sinus surgery today. It has been an honor writing jokes with all of you. Avenge my certain death.

  — December 22nd via Twitter
• Having sinus surgery today. My will states that if I die, I want a looting frenzy at my house for all my stuff. Front door's unlocked.

  — December 22nd via Twitter
• Why didn't anyone tell me about @fleshcake? Truly a voice of a generation. #FF

  — December 21st via Twitter